Why does Emanuel Ax prefer a 9 foot Steinway grand piano to a Kiawi studio upright?
    It gives greater resonance -- when he pushes it off a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
    So musicians would have a place to put their beer.

*10 Reasons not to play the piano* (Submitted by Scott the conductor)
10. More than any other instrument, your rear end will fall asleep.
9. You have to be tall enough to reach the brake pedals.
8. Sharps arent any harder to play than normal notes, but then, composers always ask for tons of them.
7. You have to read two staves at once, usually with tons of notes (very difficult).
6. People associate you with conductors because practically all conductors are pianists.
5. You have to explain that the real name of the instrument is the pianoforte.
4. People will refer to you as a penist.
3. Your hands will become the size of golf umbrellas.
2. Clipping your fingernails too short is worse than knocking out an oboists front teeth.
1. You only have to tune your instrument once every nine months, but it costs two hundred dollars.

*Five reasons to play the piano* (also by Scott the conductor)
5. Simply playing the music will teach you more music theory than youll care to talk about.
4. People will respect you as being a very talented and skilled musician.
3. You will play music so complicated and exciting that you can make a bigger impression on an audience than an entire orchestra.
2. No reeds, strings, bows, tonguing, spit, intonation problems, difficulty on sharps, breathing problems, string technique, or anything else to worry about.
1. Press they key, get the note. What could be simpler?