How do you get a good tone out of a horn?
    With a hammer.
What are French horn players most afraid of?
    Sightreading.
How can you tell if a French horn player is dead?
    What's the difference?
Why shouldn't horn players take up mountaineering?
    Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
How do you get a trumpet to sound like a French horn?
    Sit in the back and don't play.

Top Ten Reasons to Play the French horn

- It's so much fun to confuse people when they don't know what the heck you actually play
- If you can play this brass instrument, you can play ANY brass instrument
- That oddly shaped case you have is great for parting the crowds
- You can be considered part of a woodwind quintet (wait, this is a good thing? jk)
- That lovely melody you get to belt out when you finally get one
- Watching people faces when you pull out all the slides you have (is 10 enough?)
- Simply because trumpets suck (no offense trumpets!... I think!)
- You can play as low as a tuba, and as high as a trumpet
- There's an excuse if we don't get the right pitch
- You can waste lots of time looking for the spit that can be hiding in one of a bazillion places

French horn players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Conductor: Clarinets, could you get the F in tune, please?
French Horn player: (just entering) Yeah, I need the F-in' tune, too.

The PLO has taken 90 French horn players hostage, and if their demands aren't met, they'll release one every hour.

Conductor: "Back to bar one."
French hornist: "My part doesn't have numbers."