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If you have any other ones please e-mail me!

this pic is the best!!

-When you hear music and start marking time.*
-When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.*
-When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
-When all your friends are in band.*
-When you do't mind changing on the bus*
-When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the 
-when every guy/girl you're interested in is in band.*
-when you like wearing your uniform.*
-when people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you 
mean my horn?"*
-when you consider your set book a fashion accessory.*
-when you've had a "Trombone-ectomy".
-when you practice your instrument more than you talk to your 
-When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.*
-when people worry when they see you without your instrument.*
-when "armed guard" means girl with pole instead of guy with 
-when band camp is FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****
-when you respond to "band nerd".*
-When someone says "band ten hut!" and you automatically put your 
head up.*
-when you remember the order of flats and sharps more easily than 
your name.
-when you dress the lunch line, and encourage others to do the 
-when you are alone, you suffocate cause there's no one telling you 
when to breathe.
-when slides feel normal.
-when your instrument has a name.
-when you remember your instrument's birthday, and forget your 
-When making a diagonal is your biggest accomplishment of the 
-when backwards marching no longer reminds you of ballet.*
-When you give your instrument a birthday party.*
-when you can make brown shoes look white.
-when your uniform fits.
-when yellow feathers become a fashion "do".*
-when you see your section more than you see your family.*
-when everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want 
to kill the other band.*
-when you walk you automatically start with your left foot.*
-when you think evening practices should last a half an hour 
-when you accidently call your band director "Mom/dad".*
-When you CAN sight-read.*-kinda lol
-when you can put on your uniform in less than two minutes.
-When reeds taste good.(that will never happen)
-when you actually understand your band director*
-when you think your plume is alive.*
-when marking time is your favorite form of exercise.*
-when you have a neck strap tan line.
-when you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.*
-when numbers past 8 aren't important.*
-When you still have concert music from 3 years ago memorized
-when you roll-step through the cafeteria to avoid spilling your 
-when you'd rather practice than read this list.*
-when letters past G aren't important.*
-When you're sitting alone in a room and you find yourself humming 
music from four years ago.*
-when you get the jokes on this list.*
1. Thou shalt not go into the drum section. Lord only knows what's gone 
on in there.
2. Thou shalt not play "louie louie" more than three times in 
3. Thou shalt never agree with thine band director. this is the most 
deadly of sins
4. Those in the front rank shall not purposly walk through horse crap 
so that all who follow must
5. Colorguard shalt not ever come within a ten mile radius of any 
living organism if carrying a flag
or rifle.
6. Those carries the banner shalt not forget how to spell out the 
school's name, for this is very
embarresing to all involved. 
7. Thou shalt not torment the oboe player. It isn't her fault that the 
whole rest of the band isn't
in tune with her. 
8. Thou shalt not put dairy products in the brass instruments. This 
only ends badly
9. Thou shalt not ditch band practice. unless of course you really 
really really don't feel like going and you play an instrument that no one will miss. such as 
10. Thou shalt make the band room your second home. 
11. Thou shalt never have the correct size reed. This allows for an 
excuse when messing up.
12. Alumni shalt continue to come back to band events and drive the 
band director insane.
13. Thou shalt always have extra music to use as note passing paper
14. Thou shalt not make more than 20 copies per person of any one song 
15. Thou shalt have fun at all costs. and love band!!!!
1.I will NOT play really loud in someone's ear unless they are totally 
annoying me.
2. I will not curse the band director under my breath until I am SURE 
he is out of ear shot.
3. I will learn my music WAY before I have to play it off
4. I will not forget my music right before a show
5. I will not make fun of my section leader
6. I will not cuss out the Juniors in the section, because they are 
telling you what to do
7. I will not hit a trumpet player in the stands unless they dump spit 
all over my head
8. I will clean my band shoes so they will at least be light brown
9. I will not cuss out my insturment when it doesn't play right
10. I will not blame anyone but the saxophone for breaking the reed.
11. Reeds will alot of them, and keep them handy
12. I will not cuss out the Majorettes for hitting me with the 
baton...Hitting back is so much




If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might
include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship.  It seems 
as if
many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The
following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits 
will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend 
the imagination and skill of the player.) 
   1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch 
attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 
   2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills 
music on the floor. 
   3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the 
crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is 
   4.Look the other way just before cues. 
   5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra 
Percussion players must never have all their equipment. 
   6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as 
personal favor. 
   7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every 
especially when the conductor is giving instructions.  Brass players: 
mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but 
are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several 
   8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and 
players are trained to do this from birth). 
   9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was 
tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing 
the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your
  10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) 
busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
  11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know 
don't have the music. 
  12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 
  13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. 
  14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of 
piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask 
this the first time you've conducted this piece?" 
  15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake 
head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say 
make him wonder. 
  16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct 
backstage just before the concert.
  17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that
others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
  18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he 
is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life:

just who do conductors think they are, anyway?





A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no 
one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look 
around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the 
strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. 
The next guy comes up with a trumpet and octopus takes the horn, 
loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks 
to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, 
coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says 
to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." 
 The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, 
has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you 
messing around for? Hurry up and play the thing!" 
The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off 
I'm gonna screw it!" 
1. the word "one" is an infinite quantity. There is no such thing as "one more
2.The whistle is the merciless god of your excistance.
3. judges are mean, cruel, heartless people (unless they give you sweepstakes)
4. you had lived your life up till this point not fully understanding the
definition of "loud"
5. 7/8 time was a good idea, but it just doesn't work.
6. playing the Hey Song double time and watching the cheerleaders try to keep up
7. no matter how many times the football team loses, they will still insist that
the band sucks.
8. mud everything
9. after a while, teachers get used to you practicing during class on  your
10. hair of any length can be put in a pony tail...given the proper amount of
hair spray.
11. your plume is not alive, and it is not trying to eat you.
12. no matter how he tried, a trombone player can't blame it on the reed.
13. double reed players should never eat sprinkle covered cookies before a
concert. trust me.
14. cats can do everything. who knew?
15. guys can talk about video games for an entire bus ride without getting
16. pot holes and horse poo that wasn't there before will magically appear right
in front of you
during competition.
17. the front rank will always have one person who cannot march in a straight
line if their life
depended on it.
18. the center guide always has really long legs, or really short ones
19. foot ball games are really fun until you drop a lollipop down your saxophone
and can't get it
20. the copyright law does not really exist. copying music isn't stealing, it is
21. gloves attract dirt. it doesn't matter how many times you bleach them, they
will always be
22. Band wars are WAY more intense competition than the football game itself.
23. Band members know all the cheerleader's cheers by heart and can do them 10
times better.
24. at some point during the year, someone will drop their instrument from the
bleachers. this is
fact of life.
25. you are better off not knowing what has gone on in the drum room.
26. Pomp and Circumstance is a form of cruel and unusual punishment and should
be deemed
27. guys should not wear tighty whities to band events. this will result in much
mocking and in
extreme cases, blindness in bystanders.
28. Throwing produce on buses gets you into more trouble than you'd expect.
29. Nothing is a secret in band. We know all.
30. fights between the band director and the drum major are slightly worse than
WWII and just as
31. there will always be those few band members who continue to hang around the
band and band events
long after they have graduated.
32. and finally, i learned that band is soooo much fun, and i wouldn't trade it
for anything!



A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with
one drummer.  He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,
and performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician
just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given
help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and
make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he
can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make
him a conductor." 
Mixed Instrument Jokes
"I don't know which is worse; being stuck with the crazies of the trumpet section, or being stuck next to the perverts of the trombone section." - Jen Gratz

What is a brassist's favorite movie?
    Gone witht the Woodwinds.
What instrument is usually the most out of tune: oboe, French horn, timpani or saxophone?
    How can I answer that? I can't even think with this earache you just gave me!
Two guys are standing on the curb when a taxi pulls up. One is holding a pair of drumsticks, and the other is carrying a trombone case. Who is the professional musician?
    The taxi driver.
What do you get when you cross a piccolo with an oboe?
    An earache.

Proof that low brass is TOO LOUD!
Conductor: "Flutes, will you please play that?"
Baritonist whiphering to Euphoniumist: "Dude, we have flutists? I've never heard them!"

Concert Band Personnel Standards:
    Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
    Is more powerful than a locomotive
    Is faster than a speeding bullet
    Walks on water
    Gives policy to god
    Leaps short buildings in a single bound
    Is more powerful than a switch engine
    Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
    Walks on water if the sea is calm
    Talks with god
    Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
    Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
    Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
    Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool
    Talks with god if special request is approved
    Barely clears a tool shed
    Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
    Can fire a speeding bullet
    Swims well
    Is occasionally addressed by god
    Makes mark high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings
    Gets run over by locomotives
    Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring self
    Has interesting conversations with animals
    Runs into buildings
    Recognizes locomotives two times out of three
    Is not issued ammunition
    Can stay afloat with a life jacket
    Talks to walls, argues with self
    Falls over self trying to climb into bed
    Says, "Look, a choo-choo"
    Doesn't even get a water pistol
    Plays in mud puddles
    Loses arguments with self
    Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
    Kicks locomotives off tracks for fun
    Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
    Freezes water with a single glance
    Is god

Support literacy; learn to reed. Give the band a kick in the brass.

"Life is short.  Make good use of it.  Play low brass." - The Machine

In the beginning, there were only woodwinds in the band. But it was soon discovered that some people were too slow to move the fingers of both hands at the same time, so these people were given instruments that only required movement of one hand. These people sat in the back and were called "brass." But some people were too clumsy to do even that, so they were given instruments that required no finger movement at all. These people sat way in the back, cracked disgusting jokes all day, and were called "trombonists" (Italian for "clumsy fools"). But some people were too stupid to blow into something while moving their arms. These people were each given two sticks and told to bang them on whatever they felt like, hence creating percussionists. But one guy was too stupid for that! So in the end, they just took away one of his sticks and told him to stand in the front, wave the one stick around, and yell at anyone with any talent. And that was the origin of the first conductor.

How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
    Put your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.
How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
    Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
    "Hi. I played that last year."
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
    "Hi. I'm better than you."

Imagine a piccolo player, a clarinet player, a bassoon player and a drummer sitting around a table. Now if you drop a ten dollar bill right in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting it?
    The clarinet player. The bassoon player is too slow, for the piccolo player it's too little money and the drummer didn't get the assignment.
There's a twenty dollar bill on the floor. Which of a French hornist, a drummer, a flutist, and trumpeter picks it up?
    The trumpeter. The drummer gets lost on the way there, the flutist is late, and the French hornist doesn't care about notes anyway.
A bassist, a drummer, a tubist, and a saxophonist are lined up on the edge of a football field. If you put a fifty dollar bill on the opposite edge and tell them that the first one to reach the other side gets it, who wins the money?
    The saxophonist. The tuba player is still trying to figure out what's going on, the drummer misses his cue, and the bassist is following the drummer.