"If ANYBODY plays on the drum cadence, you're DEAD! Your family's dead, your dog--well, your dog's okay. But your cat: DEAD!" - Mr. Kulik
"My snare won't turn off." - Jeremy the percussionist
What are a percussionist's favorite foods?
Drum sticks and drum rolls.
What's a drummer's favorite vegetable?
What did the conductor say to the percussionist who wasn't playing in rehearsal?
"Take your drum and beat it!" (Yeah, I know. It's dumb. But at least it's not on every band joke website on earth.)
What's a percussionist's favorite movie?
Drum and Drummer.
How do you make a drummer keep playing?
Glare at them and make frantic gestures indicating that they should stop.
How do you get them to stop playing?
Give them their cue (if you think these first two jokes sound farfetched, you've obviously never heard the drummers from my band try to play 'Masque").
How many smart percussionists can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.
If a drummer was a pitcher, then what kind of ball would he throw?
Why are percussionists the only musicians who have no problems with 7/8 beats?
Because they count: one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven-one-two...
What's the most important thing about being a drummeTiming. (badadup ching!)
Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
"Why do people hang around with that drummer?" "Beats me!"
How can you tell if a drummer is on crack?
He's a drummer.
Why do drummers smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
How do you keep a drummer in suspense?
How much intelligence does it take to play drums?
Not much, apparently.
What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A dope ring.
How does a drummer's brain cell die?
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?
Neither did I.
How do you confuse a drummer?
Put music in front of him.
Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're terrible at the rhythm method.
How do you tell if a drummer is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled; residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has).
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
Yeah, it took two hours to get the drummer out.
What were the drummer's last words?
"Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote..."
How do you know you're dreaming?
The drummers are on the right beat.
Why did the tuba player switch to the drums?
Because he couldn't read music.
Did you hear about the drummer that could play a steady beat?
Band rehearsal just finished, and a bunch of musicians were walking down the street. Two drummers walk into a bar. The bassoonist, who was walking behind them, ducks.
True story, as overheard in the band room:
First person: "They're idiots! They're complete morons!"
Second person: "They're drummers."
We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor. (I've met this guy)
Playing the drums is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded--you don't have to be very good at it to get people's attention.
Support the arts, kill a drummer.
A percussionist walked into orchestra rehearsal one night carrying a big bottle of vodka. After sitting down and taking a few swigs, he put one of his drumsticks into the bottle and left it in the back. One of the trombone players saw it and decided to sneak a drink. The percussionist caught him and was ready to start swinging when the conductor broke it up. "You can't bring alcohol in here! And why did you put your stick in the bottle, anyway?" he asked. The drummer replied, "Well, the bassoon player brings her shot glass every week! I figured she put her reed in it so no one else would drink it!"
A percussionist was called before the judge in court. "Say," said the judge, "haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "That's right!" the percussionist said hopefully, "I gave your child drum lessons!" "Ah yes," said the judge. "Twenty years!"
Two girls are walking along when they hear, "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth more than a famous drummer any day!"
A drummer was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in an alpine meadow. The drummer took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The drummer guessed, "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The drummer got all excited and asked, "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The drummer selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders to carry home with him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked, "If I guess your occupation, can I have my sheep back?" The drummer was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?" The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
There once was a timpanist who dreamed that he was playing in band and when he woke up he was playing in band.
How does a bass player get to a party?
He follows the drummer.
How can you tell if your keyboard player is getting better?
He'll tell you!