What company makes the best trombone mutes?
    Smith and Wesson.
How do you stop a trombone from being stolen?
    Why would you want to do that?
What metal are trombones made out of?
    Trombonium.
What's a trombonist's favorite type of shoes?
    Slides.
Why did the bassoonist have to play with bad tone?
    She had the same part as the trombones.
Why did the trombonist have to play with bad tone?
    He's a trombonist.
What happened to the trombonist's estate after he died?
    The second chair trombonist got his jacket and all twelve dollars went to the drummer.
How can you tell the best trombonist in the band apart from all the others?
    Their second note is in tune.
How can you tell when a trombonist is playing out of tune?
    The slide is moving.
Why do people play trombone?
    Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
What's the least used sentence in the English language?
    "Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!"
What's the second least used sentence in the English Language?
    "I respect that trombone player for his mind."
Why is it no fun to go to a playground with a trombonist?
    He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
What's the best kind of trombone?
    A broken one.
What do four trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
    A good idea!
How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons?
    On a sliding scale.
If a clarinetist plays clarinet, a French hornist plays a French horn, and a tubist plays a tuba, who plays a trombone?
    An idiot.
How do you get the best sound out of a trombone?
    Run it over with a lawnmower.
What's the first position a trombonist learns?
    Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.
Why did the trombone player cross the expressway during rush hour?
    Perhaps we'll never know.
How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
    Put a page of music in front of him.
How do you get him to stop completely?
    Put notes on the page.
What were the trombone player's grades?
    Below C level.
What do you say to a trombone player in a three-piece suit?
    "Will the defendant please rise."

Top Ten Reasons To Play The Trombone
    10. Ever heard of a song called '76 Flutes' or '76 Mellophones?'
    9. Chicks dig the big cases.
    8. It's shiny!
    7. Works as a lightning rod.
    6. Tastes like chicken.
    5. Slides nicely when lubricated.
    4. Scares away the neighbor's cat.
    3. Outblows any woodwind.
    2. No batteries necessary.
    1. It's the only instrument that doesn't suck.
THE TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO PLAY THE TROMBONE (submitted by Annie)
     10-Spit, and lots of it
     9-Those evil looks trumpeters give you when you *accidentally* hit them on a pass through
     8-Did I mention the spit?
     7-It's really not very fun to drag that huge case everywhere
     6-Having to stand up in the stands for the whole football game, in full uniform, in warm weather
     5-It's surprisingly hard to tune
     4-Never having the melody
     3-Having to hae you eardrums blasted out on a daily basis by the percussion section
     2-Wow! Another exciting page of rests and looooong notes with ties and fermatas!
 and the number 1 reason not to play the trombone is...
     1-That tingly feeling after you practice for a REALLY long time

"Wow!  Brad's an oxymoron.  He's a smart trombonist!" - David Tedford

A trombonist and his friend were walking in a park. The friend saw a dead crow and said to the trombonist, "Look, a dead crow." The trombonist looked up and asked, "Where?"

A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great trombonist joke. Would you like to hear it?" "I should let you know first that I am a trombonist." "That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"

Band director,
    Pay ten thousand dollars or the trombone player gets it!
Dear criminal,
    That's too much for a trombone player! How about ten bucks?
    -The band director

A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says, "Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't know how to play trombone!" "Well," the director says, "that hasn't stopped anyone else!"

Why are there so few bass trombonists?
    Most trombonists are still trying to learn regular trombone.
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
    On or off.