"Brasses, don't sound like the word that sounds like brasses." - Mr. Noworyta
"Our drinking section has a serious tuba problem." - Unknown college student
Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
Why did the tubist cross the street?
He saw a bar on the other side.
Why is a sousaphone better than a tuba?
Why is the tuba considered the hardest instrument to play?
You have to give them credit; it's a lot harder to read music when you're consistently drunk.
How do you get a tubist to stop playing?
Recite any line from any Monty Python skit. Theyll be shouting 'Ni!' for hours. On second thought, just go buy some earplugs.
There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
How can you tell the difference between all tuba pieces?
By the names, of course.
Why aren't tubas allowed in country/western bands?
Because they're heavy metal.
How do you clean a tuba?
With a "tuba toothpaste."
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a "tuba glue."
Why do tuba players like marching band?
They try to get away from the noise.
Tuba: how low can you go?
Top ten reasons to play the souaphone (credit Matt Haas):
10: Mouthpiece and bits double as defense mechanism when attacked.
9: You get to take it off in harsh conditions. (Too cold, too windy)
8: Most of the time, you don't have to march far, or fast.
7: Solos/solis are usually fun and meant to be heard.
6: Dancing on the field looks impressive.
5: Being able to wear berets instead of uncomfortable marching hats.
4: Charging the defenseless flutes and clarinets.
3: Music is easy to sightread.
2: Music is easy to memorize.
1: Music is just plain easy! (Well, most of the time)
Top five not to:
5: The times you have do to march far, you have to go impossibly fast.
4: The bass line can be painfully dull.
3: It's a pain to put the covers on straight.
2: It's also a pain to get it off/put it on the band truck.
1: The thing is just too dang heavy!
When you use a public campground, placing a TUBA on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side of you vacant. (credit Reader's Digest 1999, since I don't want to get sued).
Last summer, the local band decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the band members were working up quite a sweat until a neighbor let them use some fans from her house. However, the wind from these fans was causing the music to blow all over the place and the music stands to rock back and forth, so they tied the music to the stands and packed the stands in garbage cans. The din from the fans was so bad that the tubists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got totally drunk. Two of the trumpeters passed out from the heat. One of the clarinetists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell...
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the basses were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, the stands were packed and the fans were roaring when one of the players slid home.
"Did you hear about the tuba player on the walk from the law?"
"Don't you mean, 'on the run?'"
"Come on, when was the last time you saw a tuba player running?"
Two tuba players walk past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)
When "Oetzi," the famous glacier mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a tubist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?