Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb

Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know hwow many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
They don't know where to enter and what key to use.

What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
Vibrato.

What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.

How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
Miss a lot of notes...

How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
The concertmaster moves them back a chair...

What do call a line setup by clarinets?
A circle